Back To School

So the kids went back to school yesterday. Now I know a lot of parents do the dance of joy when their kids go back to school, and there is a little part of me that is dancing.

But for the most part I get a little sad when they go back.

I know that other people's children will at some point be mean to my children and that really annoys me and makes me not like other people's children.

I know they will learn the victor's side of history, and not see all the points of view.

I know they will be forced to learn things they will never use for the arbitrary reason that someone thought they should.

I know that people who don't know my children will be resolving their conflicts and may not see their point of view.

I know my kids will be offered something they shouldn't put into their bodies, and I hope that I have taught them well enough they will decline it.

(rushes to go pick them up from THAT place)

There, back home and safe with me to warp them on my own terms.

Musings on Raising Children

I have two wonderful daughters aged 17 and 10. They couldn't possibly be any more different from one another. They are from two different fathers, the eldest's father has been a part of her life most of the time, but has lived far away most of the time, the youngest has never met her father due to harsh life reasons I will not go into. I met my husband about 6 years ago, but before then I pretty much raised my kids on my own.

When my husband and I began to get serious in our relationship, we had a discussion about his role in their lives. I told him that my little one needed a father, and my eldest needed a saint. To which he gave me the "huh?" look. My eldest has a father, and has a relationship with him. And they love each other a lot, he is not perfect and I won't go into his flaws here, but he cannot always be there has he lives half the country away. My husband agreed to take on the role of saint, parenting without the glory and credit of parenting, and to be prepared for the inevitable "You're not my father!" teenage eruptions. My youngest daughter has never known her father, and desperately needed a dad. He has taken this job on cautiously, but beautifully.

I was raised Pagan in Mormon Utah. We are not even remotely religious right now, and do not plan to be. One of our major challenges was teaching morality without religion. How do you teach someone to be a decent human being without the impending doom of going to hell, or karmic law? My answer to that was personal accountability, choice, and consequence.

Our family is an oddity where we live, and we have faced many challenges in parenting due to some of the choices we have made, and circumstances we have faced.

I have attempted to beat the stereotypes some people have about single parents, poverty, and blended families, and have tried very hard to be as effective a parent as I could be. I have made a lot of mistakes, and had some moments of sheer brilliance.

I thought I might share some of our experiences with the world, and see what happens.

What I have done right

Parenting is filled with triumphs, failures, near misses, and just plain old winging it. Sometimes its good to give yourself a pat on the back for the things you did right, especially in a world where there are enough people who will tell you what you did wrong.

Reading:

Literacy is hugely important to me. I feel very strongly that if a person can read and comprehend they can learn just about anything. My two daughters both read well above their grade level, and always have, with very little effort on my part. Here is what I did.

• I always chose TVs with closed captioning, and leave it on all the time. I feel like this puts a sub conscious connection between the word sound, and the look of the word itself.
• The kids were given reader books that help them to do it themselves. (Thank you mom n dad who are the kids' book fairies)
• When they asked how to pronounce a word I made them try it themselves first.
• They were given reading level appropriate dictionary, and when they asked what a word meant I had them look it up. (book fairies again)
• When I read to them I point to each word so they connect what I am saying to the word they see. And when they read to me I had them do the same thing.
• The kids were given a Karaoke machine, this has proved to be a fun and wonderful tool. (Thanks MiL)
• Harry Potter books, these have been so amazingly appealing and challenging for young kids. Whenever a new Harry Potter book has come out, I only saw the top of my eldest daughter's head except when she came up for food and bathroom breaks.

Their teachers will inundate them with repetitive reading assignments, which I personally feel like is arbitrary, and may actually cause them to not want to read for the joy of it, and may in fact make it so they find it to be a chore. I don't tend to enforce those reading assignments very strictly, as I feel like we have made reading a very incorporated part of our lives.

The Santa Clause:

Our family is not religious at all, we celebrate Christmas for the social reasons of the kids fitting in to a very religious location.

I had no clue how to deal with this subject, I asked family, friends, clients (one of whom is child psychologist who has been amazingly insightful), coworkers, basically anyone who would talk to me about it, I asked.

I was torn in many directions at once. How do I teach honesty yet lie to my kids about Santa? How do I include them in the fun and magic of Santa? How do I tell them the truth when the time comes? And most important, how much mileage can I get out of this Santa thing! After much internal debate about the subject I had a revelation (probably while sitting on the can, which is where most of my "AHA!" moments arrive). Make it like a game where I set the rules.

So here are my rules of Santa (and all other manner of make believe bringers of childhood wonderment for which I volunteered to be):

• Do not directly lie, but definitely allude with questions. For example, "Does Santa bring toys to children who scream?", "Do you think Santa will come if you are still awake?"
• Present the legend through reading books, stories, poems etc. If you say that there definitely is a Santa, and that he does this, this and this you have lied. If you present it via book and let them have the idea of it then you can always answer their questions with a question. "Is this true Mom?" "What do you think?"
• Santa does not get to take all the credit. Some gifts are from Santa, some from family. I did not want my kids to feel like Santa loved them more than their family. So Santa gifts were usually, stockings, underwear, jammies, and items of a magical nature such as fairy dust, and sleigh bells. But the big show gifts such as the bicycle they have been coveting, the dollhouse they cannot live without, credit goes to the actual gift giver. This was not so much done for ego, as much as teaching gratitude and the understanding that money and hard work earned that and that it wasn't created by elven slaves working in a sweatshop for cookies.
• Let them decide when they are ready for the truth, however in the case of my youngest she was actually not ready to give it up when it was past the age of most of her friends picking on her about it, or her arguing to defend Santa, I did have to nudge her along by creating reasonable doubt. I left clues for her to figure out.
• When they do confront you with "I am not so sure about this Santa thing." This is what I responded with: "This is one of those pivotal moments in your life right now where childhood moves towards adulthood, do you really want to take that step right now?" If they said yes, then I told the truth, and praised them for being so clever. If they said no, then I played along and tap danced around the question, usually with a question. "Do you think it's possible?"
• Leave clues to the truth so they can figure it out for themselves. I would hand write the tags, I would leave out the wrapping paper, throw the empty candy bags in the household trash. I feel like this is playing fair and lets their curiosity, and natural childhood nosiness turn them into sleuths.
• Understand that this is a big deal, most people remember how they found out about Santa, and it can either be a positive thing or a negative. I tried my best to make it positive, and praised them over and over about what smart kids they are, and let them mock me for being "careless" and leaving evidence, even though it was quite intentional. If they got cocky about it, as my little one did I would just say, "Perhaps I did that on purpose"
• When they learn the truth, explain to them that they have friends and younger family members who still believe, and briefly go over the rules with them about it, and remind them that it is not their place to destroy that fantasy for someone else, and that it is not appropriate to be a brat and say "There's no such thing as Santa!"

The one thing I wish I had thought to do in hindsight was when I labeled the Santa gifts, to mark them as "Santa?".

Things I Never Thought I'd Hear Myself Say

Kids have the amazing ability to make you say things you'd never have thought you'd have to. Here is my ongoing list:

• "The cat is not a weapon!"
• "Who thought it was a good idea to eat cheese in the bathroom?"
• "What made you think that putting rock salt in your nose was a good idea?"
• "If you are going to use your words unkindly then I have to take your words away, you can have them back when you learn to use them nicely."

I'll add more as I remember them, or as they occur.